The real Dissappointment

When I told my best friend I have an E.D she wasn't mad... she said she kind of already knew. A few months later I asked her if she wanted to lose some weight with me. She said yes. I was so excited for her! Next February were going to Florida. We were going to start working out and eating better a week ago when I got back from Vacation. I did, and I pushed her... but she won't. She needs it. I mean she's my best friend and I love her but I know she'd be much happier if she looked like the pictures she showed me of how she wants to look...

I think I'm going to compile together a thinspo video and send it to her via facebook. (personal message)

And soon we will be getting an apartment together... I feel like if we live together she will take on my good eating habits. I hope so anyway.

When I do eat, it's natural and organic.

I think today after class I should take her to barns and noble with me... we'll sit down with a couple waters and look at magazines. And go to the natural food store thats right by her house. And then I will be cruel and take her to the pool after the picture of skinny, beautiful girls have been burned into her mind. I hope she will look at her body and see that she needs to make some changes.

Is this too mean?

I'm really looking for some input guys.

Help me out.

<3 Halley

The Gap

My thighs used to touch from knee to crotch... not anymore. With my feet together my calves don't touch, my knees touch but after my knees my legs don't touch until that nasty upper inner thigh area. But I'm bent on changing that too.
I think I've been trying to move to fast. I'm sitting here eating diner, cantaloupe, cucumbers, and a rice cake, and after I finished putting everything  into my calorie tracker I should be 107 in 5 weeks. But I'm gonna fast a couple times a week. But I'm setting my goal to be 107 by august 18th.

<3 Halley

Strong from the weakness

So for a while I've been limiting my calorie intake to 500 per day....
And exercising a lot more.
I'm weak and my stomach is making those noises that I've grown to love.
When I'm weak and tired like this, I feel so strong. Anyone else get that?

Anyway, I feel the need to control everything I can in my life so I wrote out and hourly plan that I am going to try to follow Monday through Saturday. In order to keep my sanity, Sunday will be a free day.

7:00 am -
Weigh (today way 123)
1 bottle water
100 calorie crunch 
(which is a quick workout that burns 100 cals)
7:30 - 
Run
8:00 - 
1 cup green tea
Breakfast 200 cals (today was oatmeal 110)
8:30 - 
Before shower workout
Shower
Brush Teeth
Makeup
Hair
9:30 - 
Clean/Organize something
10:30 - 
1 bottle water
Blog
Diary
Thinspo
12:00
Lunch? (I might not be hungry) 200 cals
12:30 - 
100 calorie crunch x4
1:00 - 
1 bottle water
Diary
Read a book (I have a great Ana book called "Letting Ana Go")
2:00 - 
50 jumping jacks
Stand in the Mirror
Try on my black skinny jeans (smallest pair I have)
Breathing exercises on the floor (I have a hard time breathing when I run, this is supposed to help)
2:30 - 
Go for a walk
3:00 - 
Look at magazines and sip a diet pepsi (my sweat treat for the day)
4:00 - 
1 bottle water
Pro Ana websites
5:00 - 
Watch a movie with really thin girls in it (anyone know a good one?)
6:30 - 
Dinner, left over calories
7:00 - 
Run
7:30 - 
100 calorie crunch
1 bottle water
Bath
8:00 - 
Diary
Bed



Am I crazy? 
Maybe...
But I'll soon be crazy and thin. :)

<3 Halley

Breakdown

Has anyone else every went to look at thinspo to keep yourself from eating and just broke down and started crying because you feel like you'll never look like that?
Never be thin enough?
Pretty enough?
Perfect enough?
That just happened to me, it sucks....

<3 Halley

Stranded Island

So it turns out the lake house has internet! However, it's horribly slow...

But the good news is that I've been restricting my calories again and I feel awesome!!!

I don't know why I ever stop...
Thinspo line time!
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

Yesterday I went for a run in the morning that was 45 mins long and mostly uphill. Then I went for another run after dinner for a half hour that was the same uphill route.  And a few more fun exercising sessions with my little cousin that include dancing for 15 minutes, and biking for 15 mins. I also did that 100 cal burn (I don't remember if I told you all about this...) anyway, it's really quick.
100 cal burn:
50 jumping jacks
30 crunches
20 lunges
10 push ups
Yesterdays food went... OK. Im only supposed to have 500 cals a day regardless of how many I burn working out.
Breakfast: Orange juice (110)
Small banana (72)
1 egg white (32)

Lunch: Tuna sandwich (225) thats probably what screwed me over...

Dinner: Small salad w/ light raspberry dressing (300)

Snacks (aka other shit I don't need): Crackers (10)
cereal bar (140) yikes!
hard boiled egg white (9)

and 6 cups of water.
This made a total of 898 cals... UGH!


Today... now today was much better. (:

Once again I went for a run as soon as I got up.
30 mins on the uphill track.
I got back to the house and had
Breakfast: Large banana (105)
Then lounged around and looked at an Allure magazine.
My aunt, cousin, and I went to the mall...
Looking at all the mannequins and size 00's made me hate myself. Yet it made me feel empowered as I walked thinking about how in a couple months I will look like that mannequin and wear size 00 shorts.
We got back to the house around 1:30 and I decided to read for an hour then grab
Lunch: Hard boiled egg whiten (17)
1/4 small red apple (27)
I felt guilty cause I could've gone without.
Before dinner me and my cousin played sorry, uno, ping pong, and a weird chinese card game that I was surprisingly good at...
Dinner: Salmon fillet grilled (250)
small salad no dressing (100)
4 slices boiled red potato (35)
After dinner my cousin and I played badminton then I want for another 30 min, uphill run.
And only had 534 cals... minus 420 from working out :)
12 cups of water
2 cups of green tea
a bottle of diet coke

I miss my metabolism pills though... I don't know if they work or not but it's just comforting to take them and have the idea that they're working/

Anyway, I've finally convinced my best friend to drop her calorie intake with me and start working out a lot.
500 cals a day
run twice a day for a total of 1 hour
no processed, unhealthy foods

This should be interesting.
If all goes as planned in 5 weeks ill be 98.5 lbs!

You are all so strong!
<3 Halley

I'm Back!

Hellooooo!

Sorry I've been gone for a couple weeks...
Things got rough at home, so I stayed with a friend for a while and I don't get wifi there... -_-

Anyway, lots of good news, new news and only one down side...

First good news, I'm going on vacation tomorrow! Yay! My family got a lake house in Missouri. Very nice and VERY big! I'm so excited.

More good news... I'm getting an apartment with me best friend!

Oh yeah and I'm really high right now :)

The only bad thing is... I've gained 5 lbs! I plan to loose them on vacation.
I plan on eat only 500 or less a day, looking at magazines and reading my new ana book. Maybe try to go for a run down the beach every morning :).

I'm not sure if I'll have internet at the lake house or not so I might not be able to update for another week... If there is internet, I'll try to post something tomorrow night.

<3 Halley

Creating my own Fear

I gotta get back into blogging everyday... It helps keep me on track.


Today should've been day 5 of the abc diet... but I've been hanging out with my "overweight" friend a lot.

Yesterday I had chicken wings, onion rings, and pizza.... came home and slept from 7 pm to 3 am at 3 I had some macaroni salad and ice cream.
Ugh! I am disgusting!!!!

The day before that.... I had fried fish and sausage!
Wtf happened to my vegan, anorexic behaviors!?!?!

The days before that I don't remember but I know they weren't the right caloric amounts... way over.

Anyway, I start working full time again today. Hopefully staying busy enough to keep my mind off food...

My boss never makes us take a break and I work Noon to 9 pm so I could skip dinner and probably lunch too.
I can have a 200 calorie breakfast today and burn it all of at work.

I have a lot to talk about.
Lots of changes are about to happen in my life and I'm quite excited and nervous as well.


But I don't have time to talk about it all right now... Next blog!

Eating a banana and heading to work!

<3 Halley

This time is different... maybe.

Aaaand, I'm back!
Once again, I'm sorry for being a bad blogger...
Lifes just been boring.
Even though I'm slowly losing weight and down to 115, theres just not much to talk about.

How did I loose 10 pounds in 2.5 weeks? Well I had oral surgery which resulted in my mouth being wired shut and being forced to eat blended up shit  through a tube... It tasted awful so I starved myself instead.


So... If you can't stop stuffing your face, get in a bar fight, have some dude break your jaw... there ya go :)

And now I'm healed and can eat whatever I please.... but I can't considering my stomach shrank... a lot.

However, I'm gonna have to keep myself in check so I'm doing the abc diet again :)


Todays 500... its a lot for me still.


You can do anything you want. 
We all know that thinspo pic...
Rome wasn't built in a day. Don't give up.
Live by that. :)

<3Halley

Title Pending......

My life is stable and boring at the moment.
Will post when something changes.....

<3 Halley

Perfect

I am becoming the perfect example of a girl with an eating disorder...
Aside from being fat that is.
I had tomato soup yesterday...
First time i ate in god knows how long.
10 minutes later I found myself on the bathroom floor with horrible cramps...
sorry for the detail but it came out both ends and then i passed out.

I've stopped loosing weight though :(

I need to exercise. 

I hate that lol


But all going well... I am noticing a difference in the way my clothes fit. 
Looser :)

<3 Halley

Stay strong... it'll happen

Oh my poor old heart.

Can you loose wait from crying? 
Cause I've been doing that all day...

Zombie

I was bad last night...
I weighed myself....

I never weight myself at night.... but I hadn't slept the night before so does it count??
Anyway in 6 days I've lost 9lbs! I'm now at 117!

Which means I've accomplished goal #1 and I'm 7 pounds away from goal #2!

So today I've had;
A sip of a nasty ass slurppy from speedway
calories? Idk but it was horrible!

1/2 cup of v8
25 cals

and I've been working on this diet pepsi for about 3 hours...

This not eating thing is easy.
Actually it's become easier to not eat than to eat...

No desire for food :)


But I am starting to feel like a zombie...
Oh well!

<3 Halley

CAUTION! Bored Blogger!

It's 2:06 am...

I have an awesome idea!

I forgot that earlier today I bought a sewing tape measure!

Truth?
I've never taken my measurements....


GASP! I know!
So, here goes...

Neck: 12 3/4 in.
Boobs: 33 in.
Waist:27 in.
Hips:32 in.
Butt:35 in
Thighs: 20 in.
Upper arm: 11 in.
Wrist: 6 in.


I felt so fat taking those measurements.... Yuck!
Anyway yeah... hope everyones sleeping sound :P

<3Halley

Where have you been young lady???

Well...

Basically something great happened... Kinda.

I had jaw realignment surgery.
Which means while recovering my jaw is wired shut...
I can count on my hands how many calories I've had the past 5 days.
And the great thing (I guess) is that my mom isn't even pushing me to eat!
I don't even feel hungry anymore, cause my stomach has shrunk.

I've vomited up whatever the hell gets in my stomach... probably the lining.
Sweet!
Yet I still look fat... but I guess I always will... haven't weighed myself yet... Im gonna wait the 10 more days before I do... no food... water is my best friend... it really is filling. I'm also secretly taking metabolism pills.... Can't tell ya if they work or not yet.

So this will be the longest I've gone with out food... so far its been 5 days... 10 more to go. 15 in total (I'll probably keep going after this is over too) Until I'm skinny :)

Down side,
It's hard to get exercise...
Yesterday I paced the lower level of my house for 30 minutes..
Today I walked around shops and such with my no longer ex boyfriend :)

Anyway, I apologize for my lack of blogging...
I'll try to get back to posting everyday 
And before and after pics soon too

<3 Halley

There's a monster in the closet!

So I've been procrastinating... But after I finish clipping my nails I'm gonna face the monster known as... THE SCALE!


And the number is...

FAT!

or scientifically put;  121 lbs

I mean I am on my period and I've heard many women gain weight or its just hard to get it off... Ill weight in next monday with better results.

I have a busy day planned so all shall be good.

9-1 school
1-5:30 work
bank
drive to boyfriends to pay him back for gas :P
tanning (maybe)
depending on weather, sit on the balcony with a magazine and diet pepsi
that'll fill up my day :)

<3 Halley, Keepin' busy

Floating

Good evening!

I've successfully fasted for the first time in god know how long. I forgot how much I love the feeling.

It's the most freeing feeling ever. A mixture of joy, pride, and a slight dizziness creates an awesome body high. I feel as if I'm floating...

Today wasn't hard but then again the first day never is for me but the second is a real test... the third can go either way but after that I can turn my nose up at any temptation. 

I did a little research on fasting and heres what I found;

The first 1-3 days will be the hardest and you will feel constantly hungry, irritable, and have side effects like head aches and tiredness.

After the 3rd day, hunger disappears, energy levels rise and the skin clears. :)

In the first few days of fasting, over 2 lbs can be expected to be lost per day. After the body gets used to fasting, about 1 lb will be lost per day.

Anyway, I'll weigh in tomorrow because I forgot to this morning... For some reason we weight less in the morning. Just a helpful hint. :)

<3 Halley

The Truth

Hey ya'll.
So I've been eating...
And I've been eating all day everyday...
And I'm fat
I'ts like I don't even care anymore...
But I do care.

I care when I stand in front of the mirror
I care when I step on the scale
I care when I see skinny stick girls
I care when I read all your blogs
I care when I've finished 3 brownies and I'm reaching for the last one

I'm afraid to step on the scale
I'm afraid I have an eating disorder (over eating)
I'm afraid I will be fat forever
I'm afraid I'll never reach my goals
I'm afraid I will always hate myself
I'm afraid of never being good enough for him or for you or for me...

I need something to get me i the zone again!!!

HELP!!!

<3Halley

The Secret To Stop Eating...

I've figured out the formula to not being hungry...
Heart Break.
Everything else fucking sucks but at least I can't eat even if I try.
Awesome


Anyway, obviously a lot has happened since my last blog.
I haven't been on any kind of diet but I haven't been eating the entire kitchen either, which i good I guess.
I haven't weighed myself either...Not good.
Got a boyfriend, lost a boyfriend.
Smoked a lot a pot.
Went to a few partys...
Wait this is how last Summer started out.
That means it must be right around the corner...
Woooo!!!
But I'm fat...
Ewww!
Too fat for the things a wanna wear.


Now go break up with your boyfriends and get skinny!
Ha! No just kidding please don't do that.
<3 Halley

60!!!

I'm thinking if I should fast today or not.
I want to... and I should.
I officially have 5 weeks to loose 17 lbs.
When I'm standing in line at the grocery stores, I brows over the covers of magazines and they usually have weight loss articles that go something along the lines of:
"Lose weight fast!"
"Drop 10 lbs in 5 weeks!"
"How I lost 20 pounds in under 2 months!"
I've skimmed through a few of them.... you just have to buy expensive meals and exercise...
I hate exercise!
I don't mind hiking around here. I love it actually but the weather wants to get nice enough... It's been raining her for like 3 weeks straight.
Michigan is retarted. Yesterday in the morning it was snowing then in the afternoon me and my friend walk to the park.
Anyway, I've think I've made up my mind.
Today is a good day to fast.

<3 Halley

I smell toast...

Over 300 views! Hooray!

Anyway... I've been very good. Kinda.

Yesterday I had half of a medium size "birthday cake remix" from coldstone creamery.
And coffee
Today I've had coffee...
and water

And I delicious new man friend ^_^ he makes me so freakin nervous! I can't even think about food around him... Gonna keep him around.
And this morning I took him to breakfast and only ordered coffee.
 I'm a good cookie :)


Hold up. I'm gonna dry my hair and weight myself.
Helpful hint to ponder while I do this...Sugar causes belly fat. :(


Ok. So...


117.5 lbs
It looks like..
It's so hard to read from 5 feet away lol
I need a digital one.


But thats -2.5 lbs


Not bad...
<3 Halley