WTF is wrong with me?????
My mom cut me off from food....
Am I that fat?
Yes.
ugh v.v
I ate an apple...
Moms pissed
Gonna go puke it up
and go to bed
<3
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Any Opinions?
Well I finally got the courage up to weight myself today... I ate all day yesterday. Just fyi before I give you the numbers.
Highest Weight: 129 lbs
Lowest Weight: 111 lbs
Current Weight: 122 lbs
Age: 18
Hight: 5" 3.5'
BMI: 21.2
Goal Weight: 100 lbs
There ya have it! I don't think I ever gave my stats. I wanna reach my goal weight by my birthday, May 18. Me and my best friend are going to Chicago and theres a pool in the Hotel were staying at and I'm sick of being a fat failure.
Which is why I've decided to create my own diet. Same thing everyday...
Breakfast: Nature Valley Granola Bar (180) And coffee w/ Skim milk (25)
Lunch: Diet Pepsi and some kind of fruit ex, apple, kiwi, strawberries watever i can find (varied)
Dinner: Small salad w/ light italian dressing (50 ish)
Tell me what you think!
Highest Weight: 129 lbs
Lowest Weight: 111 lbs
Current Weight: 122 lbs
Age: 18
Hight: 5" 3.5'
BMI: 21.2
Goal Weight: 100 lbs
There ya have it! I don't think I ever gave my stats. I wanna reach my goal weight by my birthday, May 18. Me and my best friend are going to Chicago and theres a pool in the Hotel were staying at and I'm sick of being a fat failure.
Which is why I've decided to create my own diet. Same thing everyday...
Breakfast: Nature Valley Granola Bar (180) And coffee w/ Skim milk (25)
Lunch: Diet Pepsi and some kind of fruit ex, apple, kiwi, strawberries watever i can find (varied)
Dinner: Small salad w/ light italian dressing (50 ish)
Tell me what you think!
Monday, March 25, 2013
Too Early, Too Tired, Too Fat, Too Sick
Please hold as I pull my thoughts, and myself, together.
This is gonna be short. Cause I'm already running late but I don't care cause I don't wanna go to school today. Fuck monday!
Anyway, I've decided to stick with the abc diet. If I dont loose 5+ lbs by next monday then... I'm gonna figure out some other way to get skinny. Probably like fasting every other day or just not eating until I pass out or something...
I didn't weigh myself this morning cause I'm a coward. I'm also gonna stop giving myself breaks on the weekends. It pointless because, whatever I lost during the week, I gain it back on the weekend. :P
Well thats it for now
<3 Halley
This is gonna be short. Cause I'm already running late but I don't care cause I don't wanna go to school today. Fuck monday!
Anyway, I've decided to stick with the abc diet. If I dont loose 5+ lbs by next monday then... I'm gonna figure out some other way to get skinny. Probably like fasting every other day or just not eating until I pass out or something...
I didn't weigh myself this morning cause I'm a coward. I'm also gonna stop giving myself breaks on the weekends. It pointless because, whatever I lost during the week, I gain it back on the weekend. :P
Well thats it for now
<3 Halley
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Weekend Blues
I am the only person ever who doesn't like weekends.
Don't get me wrong, I look forward to it all week long. But then it gets here and I'm like, "Woo weekend! Eat EVERYTHING! RAWWWRR!" Yeah that's pretty much how it goes and yesterday and today have just been nonstop eating. And I hate it.
It's 7:30 pm and I'm done for the weekend. I decided to play with my hair to distract me. It always works. Trying to see if pink will cover me orange hair.
I bought some books online. The first one came today, it's called Perfect by Natasha Friend. It's a pro ana book, well that what I thought it was gonna be. But it's pro mia and a little young for me considering it's from the point of view of a 13 year old. I'm also reading Looks by Madeleine George. That ones good but I can't decide if it's pro ana. he never says anything about her weight, never worries, and she just says shes allergic to a lot of foods and I don't know if it's true or part of her ED. There's another book on the way but I can't remember what it is lol.
Anyway, I weighed myself friday right before I passed out from having 100 calories in 2 days. Some how I was 120... how? Maybe I'm at a platue... any tips for getting off?
I'm feeling like this ABC diet isnt working for me cuz I lost like 1 lb. the first week... thats it. I'll just go back to not eating until I have to. :) I like that. It's easy. No counting calories.
Well I hope all is well with you skinny people. Maybe I can join you some day soon? I'm gonna go take some laxatives and see what this pink hair dye did.
<3Halley
Don't get me wrong, I look forward to it all week long. But then it gets here and I'm like, "Woo weekend! Eat EVERYTHING! RAWWWRR!" Yeah that's pretty much how it goes and yesterday and today have just been nonstop eating. And I hate it.
It's 7:30 pm and I'm done for the weekend. I decided to play with my hair to distract me. It always works. Trying to see if pink will cover me orange hair.
I bought some books online. The first one came today, it's called Perfect by Natasha Friend. It's a pro ana book, well that what I thought it was gonna be. But it's pro mia and a little young for me considering it's from the point of view of a 13 year old. I'm also reading Looks by Madeleine George. That ones good but I can't decide if it's pro ana. he never says anything about her weight, never worries, and she just says shes allergic to a lot of foods and I don't know if it's true or part of her ED. There's another book on the way but I can't remember what it is lol.
Anyway, I weighed myself friday right before I passed out from having 100 calories in 2 days. Some how I was 120... how? Maybe I'm at a platue... any tips for getting off?
I'm feeling like this ABC diet isnt working for me cuz I lost like 1 lb. the first week... thats it. I'll just go back to not eating until I have to. :) I like that. It's easy. No counting calories.
Well I hope all is well with you skinny people. Maybe I can join you some day soon? I'm gonna go take some laxatives and see what this pink hair dye did.
<3Halley
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Oh Geez!
Good Evening!
I get so paranoid of my mother finding out about my ED!
Once she caught me while I was purging and I told her I was choking, and just now, I dizzily walked to the kitchen to get some jello. I walled passed her and I guess she was talking me and I almost walked into the wall. XD My excuse this time was I just woke up from a nap.
I love this! I love how I think about giving up and while I'm at work be like "whatever I don't care if I get fat! I'm gonna get Arby's after work!" But then I drive right by and instead pick of some 10 cal jello cups from the store.
Today I was only supposed to have 150 cals. I've had.... drum roll please. 145! What's 5 calories? Ah, screw it. Close enough. I love the meals I come up with...
Breakfast: Nature Valley Granola thin (80)
Diet Pepsi (0)
Lunch: Half a special K protein bar (55)
Large Diet coke from mcdonald's (0)
Dinner: Lemon Lime Jello cup (10)
Diet Pepsi ( 0)
and a laxative
Seriously Diet Pepsi is a life saver... thats kinda ironic since what I'm doing is "killing" me. But it feels so good.
My brain is fuzzy and my body is weak and I love it!
Does anyone know of any good fasts/diets to do after the ABC? I'm only on week 3 but I know once I'm done I'm gonna have to get right back into another fast or just restart the ABC or I'll gain it all back. I wanna keep it off all summer then I don't really care.
I hope your all doing well!
<3 Halley
I get so paranoid of my mother finding out about my ED!
Once she caught me while I was purging and I told her I was choking, and just now, I dizzily walked to the kitchen to get some jello. I walled passed her and I guess she was talking me and I almost walked into the wall. XD My excuse this time was I just woke up from a nap.
I love this! I love how I think about giving up and while I'm at work be like "whatever I don't care if I get fat! I'm gonna get Arby's after work!" But then I drive right by and instead pick of some 10 cal jello cups from the store.
Today I was only supposed to have 150 cals. I've had.... drum roll please. 145! What's 5 calories? Ah, screw it. Close enough. I love the meals I come up with...
Breakfast: Nature Valley Granola thin (80)
Diet Pepsi (0)
Lunch: Half a special K protein bar (55)
Large Diet coke from mcdonald's (0)
Dinner: Lemon Lime Jello cup (10)
Diet Pepsi ( 0)
and a laxative
Seriously Diet Pepsi is a life saver... thats kinda ironic since what I'm doing is "killing" me. But it feels so good.
My brain is fuzzy and my body is weak and I love it!
Does anyone know of any good fasts/diets to do after the ABC? I'm only on week 3 but I know once I'm done I'm gonna have to get right back into another fast or just restart the ABC or I'll gain it all back. I wanna keep it off all summer then I don't really care.
I hope your all doing well!
<3 Halley
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
50th Blog!
I feel as though I have reached a blogging mile stone!
It doesn't feel like I've posted 50 blogs...
But it does feel like I need to do something BIG!
What should that be?
I could post a picture of my body...
No one wants to see that trust me. Bleck!
Oh I found some new thinspo....
Theres this band I found a few years back, Alice in Videoland, but I've just recently seen their music videos.
The singer, Toril Lindqvist, is stunning!
In other news, I am a total of 0 calories today and it's almost 11 pm.
I've injested 2 cans of diet pepsi and a bottle of water.
I'm dizzy as hell and can hardly hold my hands up to type. I honestly enjoy this feeling. :)
Tomorrow is 150.
Then it's the weekend... yikes! food... ugh
Stay strong!
<3 Halley
P.S. I'm gonna post a pic of my hugeness monday after I weight myself for the week.
It doesn't feel like I've posted 50 blogs...
But it does feel like I need to do something BIG!
What should that be?
I could post a picture of my body...
No one wants to see that trust me. Bleck!
Oh I found some new thinspo....
Theres this band I found a few years back, Alice in Videoland, but I've just recently seen their music videos.
The singer, Toril Lindqvist, is stunning!
In other news, I am a total of 0 calories today and it's almost 11 pm.
I've injested 2 cans of diet pepsi and a bottle of water.
I'm dizzy as hell and can hardly hold my hands up to type. I honestly enjoy this feeling. :)
Tomorrow is 150.
Then it's the weekend... yikes! food... ugh
Stay strong!
<3 Halley
P.S. I'm gonna post a pic of my hugeness monday after I weight myself for the week.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
500
Still on the ABC diet.
I always hate the 500 calorie days...
It's too much. I always end up binging on these days! The other days are fine... No problem.
Like yesterday, 400 calories. It's like 9 at night and I still have 90 somthing more calories to go.
I could've stayed at that number but the point is to trick your metabolism by eat varied amounts of calories every day. So I ate the 2 jello cups I had in my fridge which were only 10 calories each but I figured that was close enough.
But then today came around and I thought I had reached 500 before 1 pm. I went to mcdonals for a small nonfat hot chocolate and only drank half.
I thought I'd be fine but I freaked and looked it up and it was like 280 (for a whole cup, half would be 90) calories! Some the fuck how?! Mind you I'd already had an iced mocha (180) and a special k protein bar (110) for breakfast.
So by 1 pm I actually only had 380 calories... but for some reason I felt defeated and went to the store after work and bought a deli meal.
Ate it all besides the mac n cheese cuz its nasty.
Anyway tomorrow is a fasting day. :) Which is easy for me.
Trying to keep my spirits up! No more cheating this week. I think I can reach my goal weight by the end of the 50 days.
Hope everyone else is doing good with however they're trying to loose!
Stay positive!
<3 Halley
I always hate the 500 calorie days...
It's too much. I always end up binging on these days! The other days are fine... No problem.
Like yesterday, 400 calories. It's like 9 at night and I still have 90 somthing more calories to go.
I could've stayed at that number but the point is to trick your metabolism by eat varied amounts of calories every day. So I ate the 2 jello cups I had in my fridge which were only 10 calories each but I figured that was close enough.
But then today came around and I thought I had reached 500 before 1 pm. I went to mcdonals for a small nonfat hot chocolate and only drank half.
I thought I'd be fine but I freaked and looked it up and it was like 280 (for a whole cup, half would be 90) calories! Some the fuck how?! Mind you I'd already had an iced mocha (180) and a special k protein bar (110) for breakfast.
So by 1 pm I actually only had 380 calories... but for some reason I felt defeated and went to the store after work and bought a deli meal.
Ate it all besides the mac n cheese cuz its nasty.
Anyway tomorrow is a fasting day. :) Which is easy for me.
Trying to keep my spirits up! No more cheating this week. I think I can reach my goal weight by the end of the 50 days.
Hope everyone else is doing good with however they're trying to loose!
Stay positive!
<3 Halley
Saturday, March 16, 2013
SORRY!
It's been like a week since I last blogged hasn't it? Well I'm sorry. I've been so busy with school and work and doctors appointments. Crazy week!
To catch you all up on my dieting and every thing. It's been going well but yesterday I ate a lot. The main reason being that Thursday night my mom caught me puking so Friday she took me out to lunch and watch me while I finished the small veggie pizza I ordered. But I felt awful for the rest of the day and this morning since my body isn't used to eating that kind of food anymore.
I'm also over my calorie intake for today (200) because I was about to pass out from moving my bed. I had a hot pocket (220) and a jello cup (10). It's not that bad but still makes me feel like I'm cheating.
Also yesterday I found out I got taller in the past year.... I thought I stopped growing! I mean I'm 18 for cryin' out loud! But now I am 5'3.5. They weighed me with my clothes on and I was 123. >.< But I always weigh myself in just my underwear. But if I did weight 123, that would make my bmi 21.4. Which is still normal weight. Normal bmi is 18.5 - 25.0. So in order to be underweight (which is what I want) I'd have to weigh 105. My bmi would be 18.3.
Can't wait to weight myself Monday morning! But I'm also scared :\
<3 Halley
To catch you all up on my dieting and every thing. It's been going well but yesterday I ate a lot. The main reason being that Thursday night my mom caught me puking so Friday she took me out to lunch and watch me while I finished the small veggie pizza I ordered. But I felt awful for the rest of the day and this morning since my body isn't used to eating that kind of food anymore.
I'm also over my calorie intake for today (200) because I was about to pass out from moving my bed. I had a hot pocket (220) and a jello cup (10). It's not that bad but still makes me feel like I'm cheating.
Also yesterday I found out I got taller in the past year.... I thought I stopped growing! I mean I'm 18 for cryin' out loud! But now I am 5'3.5. They weighed me with my clothes on and I was 123. >.< But I always weigh myself in just my underwear. But if I did weight 123, that would make my bmi 21.4. Which is still normal weight. Normal bmi is 18.5 - 25.0. So in order to be underweight (which is what I want) I'd have to weigh 105. My bmi would be 18.3.
Can't wait to weight myself Monday morning! But I'm also scared :\
<3 Halley
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Am I Dying?
So I just had a bowl of mac n cheese then I freaked out and took a laxative.... I feel awefull!I'm dizzy and my stomach feels too full and I'm hot and ugh this is just not fun!
See what happens when I eat! Ugh! Add that to the list of reasons not to eat! It makes me sick!
My hair is purple! I bought a book! I have plans tonight! I'm going to Chicago Monday! And I'm fat....fuck.
Sometimes I wish I could die and come back as a skinny ass anorexic girl.
I wish too much! Just stop eating damn!
Hope you're all having a better day and week that I am.
<3 Halley
See what happens when I eat! Ugh! Add that to the list of reasons not to eat! It makes me sick!
My hair is purple! I bought a book! I have plans tonight! I'm going to Chicago Monday! And I'm fat....fuck.
Sometimes I wish I could die and come back as a skinny ass anorexic girl.
I wish too much! Just stop eating damn!
Hope you're all having a better day and week that I am.
<3 Halley
Whaaat?
My blog has recently become a bit more popular?! Was it something I did? Hmmm. Well thank you!
Besides that, I've been trying on clothes.. I can get my legs in pacsuns 00 shorts and pull them all the way up! But I can't zip them up yet.
I had breakfast today but I'm fasting for the rest of today and tomorrow and weighing myself monday morning! I've begun to love and dread stepping on the scale...
Feeling kinda sick so I'll post more tomorrow!
<3Halley
Besides that, I've been trying on clothes.. I can get my legs in pacsuns 00 shorts and pull them all the way up! But I can't zip them up yet.
I had breakfast today but I'm fasting for the rest of today and tomorrow and weighing myself monday morning! I've begun to love and dread stepping on the scale...
Feeling kinda sick so I'll post more tomorrow!
<3Halley
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Stuck to my tounge...
Not in a blogging mood cause I'm fat and living with my lovely mother again... yay! no
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Day 2! Again!
Yesterday went as planed. I still had about 50 calories to spare by the time I went to bed. Also I ran on the treadmill for 10 minutes which only burned 124 cals but hey better then nothing yeah?
It's breakfast time and I am a beautiful 35 calories. For some reason my stomach hurts. I doubt I could get much else down besides that rice cake.
I'm also super tired because I didn't take a shower this morning. Gross! Eh, maybe but I'm getting my hair bleached and if it's a little greasy it's less likely to be too badly damaged.
Did I ever say something about putting up pictures of myself? Well if I did... I obviously haven't. Trust me, you don't wanna see this tub of lard. I can barely stand the sight of myself. I feel bad for others who have to look at me everyday. So maybe when I get to 110 I'll put one or two up.
Ugh! It's a blue monster morning for sure!
Oh yeah, day 2 is another 500 cal day so it'll be easy. It'll be really easy considering the state of my poor tummy.
<3 Halley
It's breakfast time and I am a beautiful 35 calories. For some reason my stomach hurts. I doubt I could get much else down besides that rice cake.
I'm also super tired because I didn't take a shower this morning. Gross! Eh, maybe but I'm getting my hair bleached and if it's a little greasy it's less likely to be too badly damaged.
Did I ever say something about putting up pictures of myself? Well if I did... I obviously haven't. Trust me, you don't wanna see this tub of lard. I can barely stand the sight of myself. I feel bad for others who have to look at me everyday. So maybe when I get to 110 I'll put one or two up.
Ugh! It's a blue monster morning for sure!
Oh yeah, day 2 is another 500 cal day so it'll be easy. It'll be really easy considering the state of my poor tummy.
<3 Halley
Monday, March 4, 2013
Day 1! Again!
So I didn't mention that it only took 3 days to get back to my start weight... ok a pound over my start weight. I was 124 this morning. I really hate myself lately. I can have control if I try.
Today's been good so far. Easy. But I can have 500 cals... that's a lot. I've turned down food multiple times. It's only 5 pm and I only have about 50 cals to spare. My munchy time is usually around 9pm so if I cant handle it I have some 35 calorie rice cakes to much on while I stand in front of a mirror.
I'm so sick of restarting so this time... I'm not giving myself a choice. I will be thin. In 50 days.... I will be at 100 because there will be no breaks no cheating. The only reason I would get off track would be to fast an extra day. I love going the extra mile.
If I keep myself busy then it's not hard. If I don't have friends over who feel the need to eat whenever people are together, I will be ok. Why is it that there has to be food when people come together??? I don't get it.
The blue monster lo carb energy drink... holy shit... I'm in love. 20 cals in a 16 oz can :)
thats all for now... wish me luck tonight
<3 Halley
Today's been good so far. Easy. But I can have 500 cals... that's a lot. I've turned down food multiple times. It's only 5 pm and I only have about 50 cals to spare. My munchy time is usually around 9pm so if I cant handle it I have some 35 calorie rice cakes to much on while I stand in front of a mirror.
I'm so sick of restarting so this time... I'm not giving myself a choice. I will be thin. In 50 days.... I will be at 100 because there will be no breaks no cheating. The only reason I would get off track would be to fast an extra day. I love going the extra mile.
If I keep myself busy then it's not hard. If I don't have friends over who feel the need to eat whenever people are together, I will be ok. Why is it that there has to be food when people come together??? I don't get it.
The blue monster lo carb energy drink... holy shit... I'm in love. 20 cals in a 16 oz can :)
thats all for now... wish me luck tonight
<3 Halley
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Dark Days
Yesterday I went to the mall with my best friend. I hate the mall. Skinny girls buying skinny clothes. Attractive guys with their arms wrapped around feathers. Ugly clothes for fat girls like me, cute 00 for perfection.
I left. I got in my car and drove. Fast. Driving away from my fears, my wishes, my tears, their prying eyes. I had never felt so ugly.
I got home and weighed myself. I broke down on the bathroom floor. Then after quite some time I picked myself up, pulled on my running shoes, braved the frosted pavement and ran. I ran for over an hour. Then I didn't eat until last night when my friend came over and made me.
I wasn't going to eat today. But I did. I didn't binge, I ate "normally" but I don't even deserve that. So tomorrow I'm starting abc over. 500 cals no more.
No quitting this time.
I will be thin.
I won't hate myself.
<3Halley
I left. I got in my car and drove. Fast. Driving away from my fears, my wishes, my tears, their prying eyes. I had never felt so ugly.
I got home and weighed myself. I broke down on the bathroom floor. Then after quite some time I picked myself up, pulled on my running shoes, braved the frosted pavement and ran. I ran for over an hour. Then I didn't eat until last night when my friend came over and made me.
I wasn't going to eat today. But I did. I didn't binge, I ate "normally" but I don't even deserve that. So tomorrow I'm starting abc over. 500 cals no more.
No quitting this time.
I will be thin.
I won't hate myself.
<3Halley
Friday, March 1, 2013
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