Dark Days

Yesterday I went to the mall with my best friend. I hate the mall. Skinny girls buying skinny clothes. Attractive guys with their arms wrapped around feathers. Ugly clothes for fat girls like me, cute 00 for perfection.

I left. I got in my car and drove. Fast. Driving away from my fears, my wishes, my tears, their prying eyes. I had never felt so ugly.

I got home and weighed myself. I broke down on the bathroom floor. Then after quite some time I picked myself up, pulled on my running shoes, braved the frosted pavement and ran. I ran for over an hour. Then I didn't eat until last night when my friend came over and made me.

I wasn't going to eat today. But I did. I didn't binge, I ate "normally" but I don't even deserve that. So tomorrow I'm starting abc over. 500 cals no more.

No quitting this time.

I will be thin.

I won't hate myself.


<3Halley

Fuck

I
ATE
EVERYTHING!!!!!

Too Old to be Skinny

Am I a pedophile for falling for a 15 year old when I'm 18? 
Nah.
Well I've confessed everything to this kid after knowing him for.. a week maybe?
And he's totally cool with everything!


Aside from my "old" age suddenly becoming a problem...
I've cut off my hair!
Waxed my eyebrows!
Eaten a shit ton of food the past few days... not including today.
Today I am 50 cals from an energy drink, minus the calories burned at work and minus the 70+ i just burned on the tredmill

Let's keep it that way... I wanna be 110 by March 11'th!

I can do it!

<3 Halley

Not this again

I'm so fat! I'm not being dramatic. I feel so heavy.
I ate all weekend. With the intention off fasting this week and I haven't stopped eating. I got home at 5:30 this afternoon with nothing in my tummy... not even hungry but I havent stopped eating since... its midnight.
 Ugh!
Deffinately fasting tomorrow.

I'm getting my hair done tomorrow. And today I bought a cute dress at hot topic to wear to the fashion show in chicago in 2 weeks. It's an extra small (the small was too big :) But I feel fat in it. So 10 lbs in 2 weeks... think it can do it. Or at least be at 110. I'm probably back up to my start weight because of the last 3 days :\

I wonder if i can fast through the rest of the week?

Great news though. I'm house sitting and the fridge is stocked with heathly vegan food and a treadmill down stairs :D.

<3 Halley

The real good shit.

So after 2 days of fasting, I now weight 116.5 lbs! But I think Ana's really sinking in because even though I lost 3 pounds in 2 days... it's not enough. 

I wanna fast again today and I've finally gotten past the second night of fasting, so I know I could. But I can't because I have obligations...that involve food This world seriously revolves around food.

Disgusting

I haven't had much to say lately but I'll change that soon :)

<3 Halley

What a beautiful starving girl!

Day 2 , 25 calories. I don't want anymore! I could have 150 but I've only had 25! But I needed that coffee and I cannot drink coffee without skim milk. bleh!

I was looking at myself in the mirror when I got home from work... I'm so fat! I've finally seen it. And to have an underweight bmi id have to be 95 instead of 100 so thats my new goal! By summer I will be 95 lbs!

Short but I have no energy...

<3 Halley

Weight in the morning :)

Torn on the bathroom floor

So yesterday I was a good cookie and didn't eat one thing. I had a diet pepsi but no calories so it all good.

Here's where I'm torn... I wanna weigh myself but due to Tuesdays feeding frenzy, I think my weight is gonna be the same. When my weight stays the same or goes up I momentarily give up on my fasts and stuff my face with whatever.

The good news is that I'm still not hungry! My stomach woke me up around 4:30 this morning making some weird ass noises lol. But I told it to shut up and deal with it! I can fast again today but tomorrow is gonna be tough cause I have some friends to see ad they're gonna be like why aren't you eating??

I'm gonna bring a 80cal granola bar with me to eat at work cause it's manual labor and I don't wanna pass out in from of everyone.

:)
<3 Halley